buckle up baby, it’s coming!
I’m now completely convinced everyone gets to experience their own period of transformation, also known by many as hell when you’re in the middle of it. every friend you have and meet will tell you it’s going to be ok, you won’t be here forever … but that isn’t what it feels like. they mean well.
looking back as i finally begin to feel like life is coming back together, i can see the process and just how much the change needed to happen. i can even see how there was no other way to let go of the old in order to create this new person. there are serious shifts in my core being that i didn’t expect. for example i’ve spent my entire life in motion, be it travel, moving to a new adventure or living in multiple locations at once … now i absolutely love being in one place and feeling settled in to my space. i ‘nested’ for the first time in my life at age 44. it felt odd but so fulfilling at the same time, i fought it because of what i had decided years ago it meant to ‘settle in’. when i began to re-evaluate so many of those old beliefs the reality in them no longer resonated. being settled meant i was old,life was done – how silly was that? i dance (and not the slow stuff), ride my mountain bike and play on the water every chance i get … i feel more alive than i have in years. there is no way life was over, in fact in all honesty it felt like life was just beginning.
i worked with a therapist off-and-on for a while and she described the ‘hell’ process like this:
something (quite possibly more than one something) inside you is dieing, that alone feels pretty aweful. as it dies there is a void that also doesn’t leave a person feeling good, but this is the space and the time where the new begins. yes, it is scary because everything you’ve known up til now is on the chopping block. you don’t know what will stay, what will grow or what will be let go of. but all of the above will happen, your job is to know this is temporary and only a feeling the work is happening despite you. the more you can relax and listen to your self talk, journal and find as many happy moments as you can the faster you will move through the process … enjoy the journey.